For many of us saying “yes” is a default response to the world’s demands, whether they come from our loved ones, colleagues, or our own ambitions. It’s a short word to say. It’s a lot of work to do afterwards.
Agreeing to an ask or request creates a commitment and makes us responsible for the result. That sounds fine, unless we don’t actually have a bandwidth to put in the work and provide that result.
Why do we make commitments
Although there are a number of scientifically proved reasons such as that saying “no” takes more courage and effort therefore we default to “yes”, feeling obligated to the person asking, taking decision without even thinking about it, etc. probably main reason is the way how our brain is trained.
I think that the roots of mindless commitment making is very deep in our minds. We as a human beings are trained to accept requests and make commitments from the time of childhood. It starts with tiny commitments like keeping our toys at their designated places followed by larger ones like school projects.
They are definitely essential part of the growing up process. The only problem is that during this period of our lives we don’t have much of a chance to build a skill of thoughtful decision making whether we make a commitment on something or not. It’s being taken by the system (parents know the limits of their children, school has a balanced process to make sure children can make it). So our memory tells us that once we have an opportunity or an ask it should be taken and there is no doubt we can make it happen.
We continue to take in our desires and outside demands in our twenties usually without any major issues. Yes, hard times happen. But in general we have plenty of time and energy to put in extra work on the expense of health (sleeping, eating, exercising) and deliver on our commitments.
The moment of feeling overcommitted
It’s probably in the thirties when a major shift happens in our lives and we cannot (and maybe even don’t want to) continue following this trail, but the habit of making commitments without thinking how to meet them upfront pulls us down.
We start seeing that we have too much on our shoulders. We start feeling constantly overcommitted and overloaded. Our battery starts to drain quicker. Things start to fall apart.
At this moment the most important thing we can do is to accept the problem and search for a solution.
How to escape overcommitment cage
In the pursuit of the solution most important thing is to correctly state the problem. My hope is that most people would question how to have less commitments, although it seems like most people question how to get more done in less time. The later is a fundamentally wrong question as for me.
Once you question yourself how to escape current overcommitment, I suggest you to do four main steps to take the situation under control:
- Stop making new commitments until you stop feeling overcommitted.
- Review your current commitments and remove as many of them as you possibly can (even if you feel bad because of this).
- Simplify your remaining commitments whenever possible.
- Do the work. Deliver on commitments left in your list.
I’m not asking you to drop everything and start with a blank page because realistically this is not possible.
The point is to minimize your commitments (both in terms of number of them and the effort you need to put in) and then deliver on those which are left.
How to sustainably keep commitments on a healthy level
Every person is unique therefore healthy level is very subjective. I’d say it’s the amount of commitments with which you live happy and fulfilled life enjoying majority of the days.
I doubt that number of incoming ideas and asks (both external and internal) will go down as you live your life. So the only viable option is to pick them wisely and accept only a fraction of them.
Probably the two most powerful tactics I use are differing decision and defaulting to “maybe”.
When your colleague asks you to help with the presentation, instead of agreeing immediately and adding this to your commitments politely say that you would like to help, but need to review your other priorities for the upcoming few weeks and you will get back to him/her in a couple of days. Vital part is to actually check if you should/could help and tell him/her your decision (even if this means discomfort of saying “no”).
With close ones you probably could use “no, but” approach. Let’s say your parents invite you for a dinner on Thursday, but this week you’re working on very important personal project and planned to spend all evenings on it. Politely rejecting with counter proposal is a great way to go. Just be specific in your counter proposal. Don’t use “next week”. That’s same as “someday”. Ask them if they would like to meet next Wednesday.
In the pursuit of a more balanced and fulfilling life, it’s crucial to reassess our commitment-making habits. Commitments should be thoughtful. We must learn to discern between the essential and the optional. By doing so, we can free ourselves from the overcommitment cage, allowing us to live happier, healthier lives, and savor the moments that truly matter.